[Summary] Getting to Yes with Yourself

What is the secret to becoming a better negotiator and reaching successful agreements? In Getting to YES with Yourself, author William Ury talks about reaching agreement with the greatest obstacle in a negotiation - our own selves.

In the book, William outlined 6 steps to getting to yes with ourselves:

  1. Putting Yourself in Your Shoes. All too often we judge ourselves harshly and sometimes unfairly. In the first step of getting to yes with ourselves, William suggests that we listen to our feelings and figure out our underlying needs, so as to better understand what we truly wish to achieve in the negotiation.
  2. Develop Your Inner BATNA. The second step is to take responsibility for our own life and relationships instead of putting the blame on others. That way, we can make a commitment to ourselves to take care of our needs and develop our Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) regardless of what the other party does or does not do for us.
  3. Reframe Your Picture. Much of the conflict in negotiations is caused by the fear of scarcity, that we stand to lose if the other party wins. The challenge in step three is to change how we see our life and create our own source of contentment, even when it seems unfriendly.
  4. Stay in the Zone. It is easy to get pulled into past resentments or future anxieties in the midst of conflict which detracts from the current negotiation. We must remind ourselves to stay grounded in the present moment, the only place where we have the power to change the situation for the better.
  5. Respect Them Even If. We need to control our natural tendency to meet hostility with hostility, and learn to treat the other party with respect and inclusion, even if they are being difficult.
  6. Give and Receive. The final challenge is to avoid the win-lose trap even when resources seem scarce, and change the game to a win-win approach by giving first instead of taking.

 

Some of my favorite quotes from the book:

Chapter 2: Develop Your Inner BATNA

Self-understanding without self-responsibility runs the risk of dissolving into self-pity. Self-responsibility without self-understanding can deteriorate into self-blame. To get to yes with yourself, you need both.
In the end, others' shortcomings must be considered their problem, not yours. Your challenge is how to respond. You can choose to acknowledge your contribution to the problematic relationship . . . (e)ven if your contribution seems relatively small in your eyes, especially when compared to the other person's, it is still a contribution.

Chapter 4: Stay in the Zone

It takes strength to forgive the past, courage to trust the future, and disciplined focus to stay present in the midst of life's constant problems and distractions.

Conclusion: The Three Wins

[T]here is no bigger yes than the yes inside, no bigger win than the win within. An inner yes brings a growing sense of calm and contentment and a deepening feeling of satisfaction and sufficiency.

 

In conclusion, William Ury mentions that getting to yes with oneself not only makes it easier to resolve conflicts, it also helps prevent conflicts from arising in the first place as one is less likely to be provoked if he or she is able to stay grounded and calm. And in getting to a win-win situation benefits everyone around us to achieve a third win for the larger whole.

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